The Emerald Isle

I recently had the great pleasure of visiting my twin sister (and best friend) and her beautiful family in Ireland. I went solo (well, solo except for the baby in utero), which was hard for me, given that it was the first time I'd ever left the children, and the longest Paul and I had ever been apart. I cried buckets walking through security leaving Reagan National, and I'm pretty sure I almost attracted too much attention. Once I'd made it through my connection in JFK, I relaxed as I boarded the plane for the long flight over the ocean.

I was sooo happy to see my sister who drove with her baby early in the morning to pick me up at Shannon International Airport about an hour and a half away from her house in a pretty little town in the countryside of Ireland. During the week that I was there, we drove through the Gap of Dunloe and Connor Pass; walked the towns of Killarney, Dingle, Kenmare, and Tralee; and visited Muckross House and Ross Castle. Since I was there primarily to visit with some of my favorite people in the world, I wasn't terribly interested in spending all my time site-seeing, but I think we had a really nice balance of quality time and tourism. One of the highlights for me was having high tea with my sister at an Irish tearoom in Killarney. Of course I also enjoyed the many afternoons spent by the fire just hanging out with the family.

The view from Connor Pass, the highest mountains in Ireland

The view from Castlegregory

The girls scaling the walls of Ross Castle

Cindy and baby

The view from Muckross House

A traditional Irish breakfast, one of my favorite delicacies

The Irish breakfast upon leaving the restaurant :)

Guinness and Bailey's ice cream at the best ice cream place I've ever patronized

Taking a rest upon the altar of the largest stone circle in Western Ireland in the town of Kenmare

The girls dancing on the altar

Making homemade pierogies and pasta

Me and my Ireland-bred nieces

Posing with my sis under an archway at Ross Castle

Our impression of a mirror

I miss them all so much, but I was happy to get home to my own babies and Paul. It's hard to be separated from my twin over such a distance, but this world just isn't perfect. I keep thinking about the day when we will all be in Heaven and can spend eternity together. I am so thankful to have an identical twin and to have had the opportunity to spend a week with her.

Thank you to my mother-in-law who traveled to spend the week taking care of the kids while I was away, and for the friends who filled in the gaps for childcare, as well as my parents who helped with the cost that traveling incurred. It was a wonderful and relaxing trip!

I should have said "No"

So, I had a former friend accuse me of being a bad friend, of not making an effort to "be there" for her during the time of her recent wedding, and of making everything revolve around my children.
Excuse me, but THEY ARE MY CHILDREN. Not some random people that live in my house that I can sort of care for if I feel like it or if the bride-to-be feels that she has had enough doting for one day and can allow someone else to have some attention.
And why do brides always feel like EVERYone in the world needs to feel the same way about their wedding as they do? I mean, it's important to the bride, but people get married every day. It's a fun, big event, but does everyone need to drop everything and provide the proper amount of doting or else kiss the friendship goodbye? Geeze.
The problem here is that I was the only bridesmaid with children. There was one other bridesmaid that was very recently married, but no kids. I sort of felt like I was back in college in the "Oh-the-wedding-is-the-most-important-day-of-your-life" phase. But I'm so far past that, and no one else in the wedding party could relate. Well, there was one groomsman whose wife was about to have a baby. As a matter of fact, her due date was the day of the wedding. No kidding. Coincidentally, Paul and Judah and I were seated next to them at the rehearsal dinner, faaaaar across the room from the rest of the wedding party, where we enjoyed pleasant adult conversation about kids, etc., as opposed to the "man-I-was-so-wasted" conversation that was going on elsewhere.
I really should not have accepted the request to be in the wedding, knowing that I would likely have to bring the baby along, but we were close enough friends that I assumed she would understand. She had seen me parent my firstborn and knew exactly what kind of a breastfeeding, baby-wearing, co-sleeping attachment parent that I am. I figured that if she was asking me to not only attend the wedding but actually be a part of it, then she knew exactly what she was asking of me and also what I would need in return. Friendship is a two-way street, right? Oh wait. I guess that doesn't apply when one of the friends is a bride.
Judah was seven months old at the time of the wedding. I had hoped that he might take a bottle, but after many, many, MANY attempts at giving him one (using ALL the tricks in the book), the little guy always preferred the breast. I had also hoped that maybe he would be eating solids, but he didn't until he was over a year old. Knowing that there was going to be no way to feed the child while I would have to be away for at least 6 hours, we knew that we had to bring him along. It wasn't like we brought a toddler! We even hired a sitter for Charlie (even though I do not understand why people don't just allow kids at weddings--what event could be more family centered than a wedding, for crying out loud!).
Things actually went well. At least I'd thought they did. Paul dropped me off in the city early so that I could join the bride in her ritual of getting dressed and all that. He would then go home and get Judah and himself ready, greet the babysitter, and then head back to DC for the wedding, strolling the baby as he walked from a far-away parking place. He was a trooper and even kept Judah out of the ceremony, so that no one could complain about any imposition. Immediately after the ceremony I met Paul, grabbed Judah, and headed to the bride's dressing quarters to privately nurse the baby, again, so that no one could complain. Judah behaved very well during the reception and was even enjoyed by some. So, I really couldn't tell you what the problem was.
I hope that this post hasn't seemed too negative or complain-y. I'm just surprisingly very hurt at being accused of being a poor friend. I have always done everything in my power to hold onto friendships and show the people around me that they are loved. I have a few words of advice to offer, if you're still here.
If you are bride, you should know this: while you are trying on veils and tasting cakes, there are other people in the world who are doing other things. There are moms of small babies who are just trying to drag their tired bodies out of bed in the morning, wondering how on earth they are going to take care, not only of themselves, but also two (or more?) small kids for the whole day. Some of them may even be co-hosting a bridal shower despite their fatigue. There are even other brides who are doing the EXACT same thing that you are doing, but it's for their own weddings. And get this: they don't care about your wedding.
If you are a friend, you should know this: your friends have their own obligations, their own priorities. And it is impossible to understand a mother's priorities unless you have been a mother. I do have a handful of friends who are not parents but who are also very supportive, and I'm very thankful for them. But even they don't fully understand. If you have a friend who is a mother, please recognize that she may not "be there" for you the way your childless friends are, but she is probably doing all that she can to show you that she loves you. Just because she has little people at home that she needs to care for does not mean that she wouldn't, at times, rather be out at a party like all the "young folk." You see, she is probably feeling very torn about her old life v. her new life. It's not easy to have to be the grownup and learn to sacrifice to self. Not easy at all.
If you are a mom, you should know this: it is okay to say "No" once in a while. I thought that I could do both. I thought that I could raise my kids the way that I want to and also hang onto what I thought was a strong friendship by supporting my friend the best that I could. Now I see that it was not possible. Despite my tremendous effort, she feels it was not enough. I obviously could not give her the attention that she felt she deserved, even at the expense of my kids, and I'm very sorry that I even tried. I wonder if things would be any different had I never accepted the request to be a bridesmaid.
However, that is the only thing that I am sorry for. I'm not sorry for bringing my baby to the rehearsal dinner and wedding so that he could have some milk (the nerve of him), and I'm not sorry for missing the bride's shower for which I supplied all the food because I had come down with my third bout of mastitis in 7 months (the nerve of me). While I was unbelievably disappointed to have had to miss it, it was the only sensible choice I could have made. And I'm not sorry for defending myself and mothers everywhere.
Unfortunately I had no clue that I was being given an ultimatum. If forced to choose, I will ALWAYS choose my children. Any decent mother would.

Awesome giveaway!!!

I'm sharing a really awesome giveaway by a very talented photographer, Melody Yazdani, in the area. She took some INCREDIBLE photos of C and J a couple of years ago. Check it out!

Charlie and Judah and a Bun in the Oven

Well, I'm going to have to change the name of my blog. I knew it would happen sooner or later, and I really wish I had thought things through a little better when I first established my blog. But at the time, it was impossible to imagine that another little Callahan would be a reality. But here we are--I'm pregnant! Yay!
I found out the day before I ran my last half marathon in October. Paul had been telling me for days that he could tell I was pregnant, but I kept replying in denial. However, the day before the race, I thought it might be good to know my "condition" before I ran, so that I could feel good about taking it easy. And I did. We had a great race--just me and the unborn little one. It will probably be the last big race I run for a couple of years, so it was a very nice way to welcome a new baby.
I was instantly thrilled to find out that there will be another child joining the family. I was actually still sitting on the toilet when the stick showed a bright blue "+," and I screamed to Charlie, "Charlie! Come here! Mommy's going to have a new baby!" Then I took a picture of the stick and, embracing the age of technology, texted it to Paul. He was a little shocked at first (though I don't know why--he says he already knew I was pregnant), but within a few hours he was pretty excited, too.
It so happens that I am due in June, near the summer solstice, and NOT September, which is when I'm used to having babies. What a wonderful feeling to know that I will be at my biggest, fattest, and most uncomfortable stage of pregnancy at the BEGINNING of summer and not the END! I'm ecstatic about this fact! And I get to wear winter maternity clothes for the first time ever!
I'm feeling well most of the time, but I have been hungrier than ever with this pregnancy and also experiencing more nausea than I ever have, mostly in the late afternoons and evenings. Perhaps those two facts are linked by the reality that I am also busier than I ever have been and therefore find little time to eat a full meal. At any rate, the baby and I are doing well. I was able to hear the little one's heartbeat last week at my first midwife appointment, which seemed to make it official. Well, that and the announcement on Facebook. I feel like the baby is a girl (only because I feel somewhat similar to how I felt when pregnant with Charlie), but we are considering not finding out the sex until the birth. Not sure about this one, but considering it. Of course we are also planning a homebirth, since things went so well with Judah. I'm really excited about bringing another life into the world in my own home.
I suppose this news can partially account for my lack of blogging the past few months. It seems that once Paul comes home and starts the bedtime routine with C and J, I'm nearly instantly asleep on the couch and therefore have very little time to catch up on projects like Christmas gifting, let alone blogging. As I round out the first trimester, though, I am starting to have more energy and should be able to keep my eyes open a little longer into the evening.
I've also been extremely busy handmaking almost all of our Christmas gifts. For the nieces and nephews, I've put together a blankie/pillow set with matching backpack for daycare, a princess crown and cape set, three little girl aprons, three little girl baby slings, and three "Twirly Girly T-shirt Dresses." In addition to gifts from us, I've also been commisioned to make a few things for others to give. It's been a very busy and very productive sewing season! I've about finished everything for everyone else and can finally begin on gifts for C and J! From us they will be getting mom-made crown and cape sets (complete with a wand for Charlie and a sword for Judah), slippers, and a stuffed animal. We like to keep things simple and this year are instituting a new tradition of giving three gifts to each to represent the three gifts that the wise men offered to Jesus. We are doing our best to keep the focus on Christ and the miracle of His birth.
Charlie's first year of school is going so well. I'm so pleased to be her teacher and to have the opportunity to watch her grow and learn on a daily basis. She is reading now, and it absolutely melts my heart to watch her point to words, sound them out, and grasp their meaning. She has entered a new world now. It's one more thing that we share. Thanksgiving night we took our little lady ice skating for the first time, which she really enjoyed. When we arrived home, she told me,"Mommy, that was the best night EVER!"
Judah is busier than ever. His vocabulary is totally taking off, although most of the time he needs a family translator. :) He's also starting to assert some independence, which is certainly a double-edged sword. It's wonderful to see him develop as a growing little person, but, and if you are a parent or anyone familiar with little kids you know what I mean, it's so hard to get him through a parking lot when he absolutely refuses to hold your hand. Or watch him carry his cereal and milk to the table all by himself. Or try to zip up his jacket. Oh, the list goes on and on. This is definitely a stage that he has to get through, and we'll all be better for it, I know. It's just exhausting.
We will be staying here in town for Christmas for the first time ever. We are certainly torn about not seeing our extended family during this time, but also excited about waking up in our own home on Christmas and opening presents in front of our own tree! Because it's such a special time for us, we are working on making our own traditions. We have a blank slate since we've never had our own Christmas! What sorts of traditions does your family hold?
Well, I hope to check in again sooner than later, but you know how that goes. So much of it is up to what life allows, at least at this stage in my life while I'm still making babies and raising little ones. :) God bless you all during this Christmas season.

Team Callahan

While it appears I may actually have a few minutes to sit here and blog (although, as you parents know, that could easily change at any moment), I'd like to share a little bit about our latest adventure as a family: a half marathon!
Back in May when I started running, I could do maybe a mile without stopping to walk. I signed up for a half marathon in June as sort of a motivation to keep at it. The training schedule that I adapted (per Hal Higdon for you runners) had me running up to 5 days a week, most of which I could do during the mornings before Paul left for work. On the weekends, Paul would push the kids in a double stroller that was gifted to us (thanks, Victoria!) and we all did my long runs together on the Mt. Vernon running path along the GW Parkway.
We had a VERY hot summer, which made running really difficult at times. I remember our seven-mile long run one weekend in July. That morning it was 90 degrees by seven A. M. It was absoutely dreadful. But I think that training in the heat paid off, because once the cool September mornings arrived, we noticed that a whole minute dropped off our time.
As we got closer to race day, Paul decided to join me and sign up! I was so excited that the whole family would be together for this fun event! I was also happy to have the encouragement, as I'd felt like I had my own cheering section on every long run over the summer. There were times that I'd be running in front of Paul and the kids, and they would shout, "Go, Mommy, go!" I loved hearing their silly little voices cheering me on, and I knew it would help the day of the race.                                      
The morning of the race was a bit of a stressful time. We had to get up at 5:00 and then get the poor sleeping kids up, dressed, and out the door, so that we could be at the start no later than 6:00. We had packed a bag of snacks for them the night before so that they would (hopefully) be entertained and fed while we waited to start and then during the race. Charlie and Judah behaved better than we had expected! We had a few touchy moments with Judah, but eventually he fell asleep and slept for about half the race. Then they both seemed to really enjoy themselves and all the happy energy surrounding them!
The race started at George Washington's home, Mt. Vernon, and ran down the George Washington Parkway and then over the Woodrow Wilson Bridge. It was the first race ever to cross the new bridge, which was built in 2008. What a view from the bridge! Then it wound around and eventually ended in the National Harbor, Maryland.
I ended up tripping and taking a little tumble around mile 7, but I felt like a total warrior running the rest of the race with bloody knees. I'm pretty sure adrenaline carried me for a while, because I didn't hurt much then, but I sure do now.
Paul is a rock star. Of course you already know I'm a fan, but seriously. This guy pushed these kids in a double stroller (all of which is half his body weight) up and down hills for 13.1 miles! Every time we passed someone or a spectator spotted him, we would hear, "HOW is that guy DOING that???" or "Look at that Daddy! Way to go!" It was so fun to see people's reactions to Paul's incredible ability. I don't know how he did it. And he could have finished waaaay before me, but he'd held back so that we could finish together.
The last 3 miles or so were killer. By then the sun was out in full force, and there were lots of hills. And let's face it, it was more than I'd ever run in my life (the longest run we did in training was 11 miles). But we did it! I nearly cried when I was handed my medal! Our finish time was 2 hours, 20 minutes, which was my goal.
What a fun experience to have as a family. And a special thanks to my friend Chrissy, who encouraged me to do it, and Melissa, who ran the race with us. I'm already thinking about a full marathon for next year!

She's a big girl now

We celebrated Charlie's 5th birthday this week. I just can't believe it. I remember her being so small. I remember that the first thing she did after she was born and I said, "Nice to meet you, Charlotte" was to go poo and pee all over me. I remember when she was two days old and we were alone for the first time since she was born, and I told her, "You're growing up so fast!" But she really IS growing up so fast. When I tell her not to grow up--"Please, PLEASE stop growing! Please stay small so I can hold you forever!!"--she says things like "That's not the way it works, Mom." "MOM"? Since when did I become "Mom" and not "Mommy"?
 I also cannot believe that she has started kindergarten! We have just finished our first week of home kindergarten. Our books arrived Monday morning, and we got started right away. We're using Sonlight Curriculum and so far, so good! I'm impressed with the reading lists of this curriculum and also the style, which seems to be fairly classical in its technique. What drew me to it is its literature basis and also the fact that the lesson plans are ready-made. In the future, I may adapt a bit and put together my own curriculum from different sources, but for my first year, I thought this may be the way to go. We are doing a four-day kindergarten week with history, science, math, handwriting, and reading. Once Charlie has learned to read on her own (hopefully in the next couple of months), we'll add in her language arts.
I am really loving homeschooling and having a regular routine to our day and our week. Every day we take Paul to work and then come home and make breakfast (or stop for a bagel). Then we head out to a park or some other activity, maybe errands if we need to. Then we come home, make lunch, and then Judah heads down for his nap, and Charlie and I do school. The routine makes things so much easier (and relaxing, even) for everyone. I'm plannig a couple of field trips for the near future: apple-picking and a trip to a museum. Living in DC gives us LOADS of field trip opportunities of whick I need to take advantage.
I am so enjoying being fully focused on my own children, as I have recently closed my home daycare. Please don't get me wrong, I enjoyed having other little ones here. It's just that I feel like I finally have the freedom to raise these two the way I've wanted to for so long. As for the bills getting paid, I'm not entirely sure how that's going to work in the future, but I'm trusting God and trusting Paul. This is the way we felt we were being called, and we know that God is going to prove Himself faithful, as He always does.
Going back to the birthday festivities . . .
So Wednesday I offered to make whatever Charlie wanted for dinner, and she chose chicken and dumplings. I wish I had a photo, but unfortunately, our camera is pretty much trashed. I think it may have something to do with the fact that we realized what a fun car toy the camera happens to make for a bored little girl on long trips to grandma's house. Anyway, we had good friends come over to help celebrate, and we had such a great time. Over the weekend, we had a more formal celebration in the form of a combined birthday party for Charlie and Judah (his birthday is on the 30th), but this little dinner was the perfect way to celebrate Charlie and Charlie alone. :) She got a brand new scooter from Mom and Dad and some really nice other things from close friends and family.
Charlie is one amazing little girl. She melts my heart every single day with her concern for others and her sincere love for God. She astounds me with her intelligence. She also drives me crazy with her incredible sensitivity, but I know it's something that will be a very special attribute as she grows up. She really is a special, sweet, funny, and beautiful girl that I'm so, so happy to call my daughter. I thank God for her sweet spirit and for giving me the opportunity to carry her and give life to her. Happy belated birthday, my incredible Charlotte.

Here's my chicken and dumplings recipe (this recipe makes a huge pot):

The soup:
2 Tbsp. butter
1 medium onion
3 stalks celery
4 or 5 carrots
2 cloves garlic
1 pound chicken thighs (boneless, skinless)
1/4-1/2 Cup of flour (I never measure, so I'm guessing)
32 oz. chicken broth

Melt your butter over medium heat in a stock pot and cook all your veggies until slightly tender. Then add your chicken thighs and cook them until they are just browned on the outside, then chop them in the pot. Add flour and stir to make a roux. Add broth and whisk until it thickens a little. If you have found that you didn't add enough flour to make this mixture thick enough for your liking, you can always add corn starch at this point.

The Dumplings:
1/2 Cup butter (cold)
2 Cups flour
1 Tbsp. sugar
1/4 tsp. baking soda
2 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. salt
3/4 Cup buttermilk (since I don't make a habit of keeping buttermilk around, I use the trick of adding about a teaspoon of vinegar to regular milk and letting it sit and curdle a little bit)

Cut butter into dry ingredients using a pastry cutter or criss-crossing two knives. Add buttermilk and stir until mixture makes a big doughy ball, leaving sides of the bowl. Then drop your dumplings by the spoonful into your soup, turn the heat down to low and let them cook until they look edible and fluffy.

Happy third birthday, Benjamin

Today is Benjamin's birthday. I overheard Charlie telling a friend this morning that today is her brother's birthday--her brother who is in Heaven. She said that we will be having a party for him. Then Charlie's friend said, "But your brother won't be there." And Charlie said, "Yes he will. He is in Heaven, but he will be at the party."

The hardest part (these days) of having lost a child so soon after his birth is trying to figure out how to feel. I've always felt like on the grief scale, we're somewhere between 'had a miscarriage' and 'lost a child that had been around for a while.' Does it matter that we knew during the pregnancy that we'd lose him? Does it matter that he wasn't our first child? Isn't this ridiculous? There's no reason we should be comparing our experience to any other experience, real or hypothetical. But I've always wanted to know what is the proper response to having a lost a son to Trisomy-13.

I have since learned that there really isn't a *proper* response to losing a child--no matter the point that he or she was lost. It just plain hurts. It feels like a bottomless pit of pain. So the only thing that a person can do is *feel* the pain.

I will say this, after three years, it doesn't really hurt as much anymore. I really miss Benjamin, and I feel a loss, like I should have been able to parent this baby that I carried for a full pregnancy. But the loss isn't nearly as sharp anymore. So for those of you out there that are wondering if the day will ever come when you won't cry yourself to sleep every night, I say to you, Yes, it will come. And it's okay to allow yourself to heal. It doesn't mean that you are forgetting your child or abandoning him somehow. It means that you are healing from the pain of the experience. Benjamin will always be my son, and I will always love him and miss him. But I have chosen not to live under the dark cloud that surrounded his little life and his death.

Because of this choice, I like to share his story. I want to pay tribute to this little saint. Please read about his birth story here. I'd also like to mention that I'm thinking today about all of you out there that have recently lost children, whether due to miscarriage or some other tragedy. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Soon I will pack up the kids and the cupcakes that Charlie and I made today, and we will pick up Paul and then head to the cemetery and have a little graveside picnic birthday party. I have no idea what people generally think about this potentially morbid celebration, but for us it works. We will enjoy our time together as a family saying happy birthday to Benjamin and remembering his beautiful life.

It's such a strange thing that every year when I want to post about my first son's birthday, I have only pictures from his actual *birth*day. I'm so very thankful for those photos, though. Which is while I will mention them yet again: The Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation is how we were able to capture his short little life on camera. I like to mention them whenever I can, so that people can prepare, should the worst occur.