Things I Never Thought I'd Say

A long time ago, I started listening to the ridiculous things I was saying to my daughter as she grew. Eventually, I got around to keeping a list of "Things I Never Thought I'd Say." And then at some point, I extended an invitation to mom and dad friends for things they never thought THEY'd say. We parents do a lot of recording the funny stuff that comes out of our kids' mouths, but have you ever stopped to listen to yourself?

Here's what we have so far:

• No, we don't want to eat the poopoo snakes.
• Get your hands out of your pants and eat your cereal.
• Hold on to your pee pee. I'm tired of cleaning pee off of everything.
• That's okay, honey. Thanks for helping, but Mommy can wipe her own bottom.
• Well, Momma is driving so wipe your boogy on your pants.
• (Saying to the professor): excuse me a moment, I need to use the potty.
• No, Mommy doesn’t want to see how big your penis can get.
• Please don't pull on Mommy's pubic hair to get yourself up off the ground (said while changing clothes).
• Hand the poopy to Mommy.
• Mommy told you to stop hitting her booby with the duck. Now you have to leave the bathroom and let Mommy take a bath.
• Stop hitting me with your fork.
• Books do not go in the refrigerator.
• Who stuffed toilet paper down the sink drain?
• Stop wrapping your brother in tape.
• Bye-bye, poopoo!
• Don’t headbutt the baby.
• Don’t shoot the baby.
• Can you please just eat your boogers?
• No, please don't tear off my mole.
• That's enough with the acrobatic nursing; you're hurting my boobies.
• Get your shoe out of your mouth.
• Can you hold on a second? I think Clara has poop on her hand.
• Stop drinking out of the pirate’s head!
• Please stop dropping banana into Mommy’s shirt.
• That was so funny that if I hadn't been doing my pelvic floor exercises, I would have peed in my pants.
• I can't understand you while you're holding your tongue.
• I've told you I'm busy! I can't come eat you right now; you'll have to occupy yourself some other way until I am done!
• If you fling your panties around one more time and hit your food with them, you’re going to be put in timeout.
• No, I don’t want to suck on your fingers anymore.